A Letter To The One Asking, "Why, can't I?"
I know you have that doubt in the back of your mind, because
I do.
I know what you are hiding behind that smile, because I'm hiding
it too.
I know that you are trying to hold yourself together, because I'm
falling apart too.
You see those around you starting their families - Why, can't I?
You attend baby showers, knowing that you may never get one - Why,
can't I?
Looking through maternity photos, knowing you may not ever have
the chance - Why, can't I?
It's not fair.
Why the addict down the road, but I can't?
Why a woman who could hurt their child and not think twice, but I
can't?
Why a woman who doesn't even want a child, but
I can't?
It's hard laying down at night with these questions constantly
running through your head. You are silent because no one understands. You are
angry, upset and most of all you are hurt. Hurt at the fact that you may never
hear your newborn cry for the first time, bond with your unborn child in your
womb. Sometimes there are nights that your husband holds you as you cry,
knowing there isn't anything he can do. All you can say as you cry is,
"It's not fair." even though you are thinking so much more.
Then there are times when you think your prayers have been
answered. You are excited. This could be it. This is what you have been wanting
for so long.
A pink line doesn't show, it's negative. You go from a smile to a
gut-wrenching cry. You can't help it, you almost had it, well you thought
anyways.
It's not fair.
I know it isn't fair, it will happen if it's meant to be.
I'm not sure if you believe in God, but I do. I know that there are reasons for
everything. He hasn't forgotten about you; he knows your desires. He hears your
cries. Perhaps he's waiting until the perfect time. Maybe it’s time to Let
go & let God. Let him lead and you follow. It’s not our time yet, and
that’s okay.
God is for
us! His plans are much greater than we can imagine. (Jeremiah 29:11)
God is preparing
us, shaping us and molding us into the women he wants us to be. (Isaiah 64:8)
Through
this journey we must continue to have faith and be women of God. God has a
plan for us, maybe it’s much bigger than we had planned. Perhaps, there is a
child waiting for us that’s already been born. Adoption is a tough subject to
discuss when you struggle with infertility. We just want to experience
everything, the first pregnancy test, the first sound of the heartbeat, the
little kicks to the first time you hear their cry. It's not the same. The only thing that we do know for certain is that Our God is greater than all of our problems.
No matter what, it’s
going to be okay.
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